Self-Esteem

Although I have at times been appalled by the attempts of educators and those in the psycho-social community to build self-esteem in children at the expense of honesty and reality, I do see the need for self-esteem in order to be a functional human being.


I grew up with a father who was very difficult on my self-esteem.  I knew that he loved me, but he told me on a regular basis that I was fat and stupid.  If I expressed hurt, he claimed he was "just kidding" and added that I shouldn't be such a "sooky."  I guess that meant I was whining and didn't have tough enough skin.  On some level deep within myself, I knew that I was actually smarter than most, but he was my father, and he did tell me I was stupid.   Maybe he was right?


I also grew up in a conservative Protestant church where taking pride in ones appearance was implied to be sinful, along with acknowledging ones superiority in any way.  I did not wear make-up as a teenager.  I tried not to be jealous of pretty clothes that other girls had.  I also knew we didn't have the money for the variety of stylish apparel worn by some of my friends.  But, I had friends who had less than I did, so I tried to be grateful for what I did have.


As I grew, my ability as a soloist was recognized.  I was frequently asked to sing at church and my musical talent was also acknowledged at school.  When I was complimented, I was afraid to accept the compliment least I appear full of pride.


I can't imagine what would have happened to me if I had never left home, or if I had attended a college near enough that I often went home on weekends.  I might have forever felt inadequate and unable to move about comfortably in the world.


I don't know how I had the courage to go over 700 miles away to a strange city where I knew absolutely no one.  I believed it was the right thing to do, so I did it.  I didn't know how much I needed to change.  My only awareness of such a need was that I was not going to be like my mother who never learned to drive and was totally dependent on my father to go anywhere.  


I quickly discovered in nursing school...the old 3-year diploma type program...that it was sink or swim.  If you are going to be a nurse and do the things nurses do, you have to display confidence.  It isn't proud to do so, it is essential for the security of your patient that he/she not see fear and anxiety in the nurse.  The knowledge that you know what to do and can do it is not a point of sinful pride, it is a comfort to the person for whom you are caring.


I also figured out that when I sang a solo and someone came up to compliment me, it was wrong to deflect the compliment.  It caused the person to squirm and feel like they had to say something additional to assure you of their sincerity.  The right thing to do was to thank them and tell them you were glad they enjoyed it.


I also decided that it was perfectly acceptable to try and look my best.  I started to wear make-up and took advice on clothing from a stylish room-mate.  Physical appearance is one of the ways a person represents not only herself, but her profession, her family, and even the God she claims to serve.


I suppose the toughest thing to deal with in this regard is the awareness of being intellectually superior without being arrogant.  I have come to believe that it is wrong to allow a child who is exceptional to think that they are average or "stupid."  If you are not allowed to think you are superior, when you are, it creates major confusion.  You are left wondering what on earth is wrong with the rest of the world.  You ask, "If I am normal and I understand this, why don't they?"  It is far better to allow the gifted child to realize that he/she is unusual, but to understand that with the gift comes a responsibility for patience and compassion.  I never came to grips with this until after I was married.  I would express frustration to my husband about what seemed to me stupidity on the part of others, and he would patiently tell me that I was the one who was abnormal.  Most people didn't see what I saw.  This came as a shock to me.  The idea that my ability to reason was better than most was something I had not been allowed to contemplate.  It was "sinful."  However, suppressing the thought that I was more intelligent actually caused me more problems than acknowledging it to myself.   If I let myself think the seemingly sinful thought, I can also be more compassionate.  I wish I had come to this understanding at an earlier age before facial expressions and tones of voice, which are hurtful to others, but to which I am oblivious, were ingrained.


So...in the end I have decided that it is perfectly OK to have self-esteem, but it isn't based on IQ, physical appearance, talents, money, social standing.  It is good if we are aware of the gifts we have been given and feel a responsibility for using them wisely.  But true self-esteem comes from this:  


I am a unique individual created by a God who loves me and has a purpose for my existence.  He cared enough about me to send His only Son to die to pay the penalty for my sins.  He expects me to use the abilities He has given me.


Every single person in the world should remind him/herself of this daily.