Concern for my "Reputation"

Sometimes I think I am back in junior high school, even though I am at a retirement community.

It has been pointed out to me by multiple people that they have seen me sitting with a man in church.  I have, in fact, sat with this man and his girlfriend for most of the past three years, which no one seems to have noticed.  When I lost Bill, my neighbor B.H. noticed me sitting alone in church.  He told me that he and his girlfriend J.V. would be happy to have me sit with them.  This was a great kindness to me.  But, J.V. died this summer.  Should I abandon B.H. when he has just lost the person he loved?  He was kind to me when I lost the person I loved.  I think it would be unkind and rude to sit elsewhere…so…I guess people can continue to talk.

I can give them plenty more tidbits, if they need them.  I have recently accepted rides home on the golf cart of B.B.  This has resulted in some meaningful conversation.  I sometimes email P.D., often with prayer requests.  I go out of my way to check and see if G.G. is at his garden.  When I switched gardens, he expressed sadness that I was no longer in the garden adjacent to his and, therefore, no longer available to talk to him.  So, I now look for him.  At Christmas time, I take cookies to W.S. and B.L. and J.I. if he is not out of town. This is a tradition that began when their wives and my Bill were alive.  I see no reason to quit. 

 When interacting with another widow, I can hug her, hold her hand while praying with her, invite her to my apartment for a meal, suggest we get together at the Café or one of the onsite restaurants.  I would not do any of these things with an unattached man.  But, I can offer kindness and conversation.

I am not now and never have been a flirt.  I am not “on the prowl” trying to add some man to my life.  Do I enjoy the company of men?  Yes…I always have.  I had brothers, no sisters.  My only girl cousin died in childhood, so I had all boy cousins.  When the family gathered at my maternal grandparents’ home, the women sat in the kitchen talking, while the men sat in the living room.  Little Ruthie sat in the living room with the men.  The conversation there was much more interesting. 

I had lots of “brothers” in both high school and college.  Sometimes, I thought I knew them better than their girlfriends did.  They didn’t need to project a certain image with me.  I majored in chemistry in college, and at that time, it was dominated by males.  I had no problem being the only female in the room.

At my last full-time job, I coordinated our hospital’s participation in an NCI funded prostate cancer research project.  I had 34 men enrolled and saw them twice a year for 8 years. I was careful to maintain a professional approach.  At the beginning, the men were sometimes accompanied by their wives or girlfriends.  When that no longer happened, I figured the women knew they could trust me.

I always believed flirtation was manipulative and dishonest.  I didn’t even engage in it with Bill.  After we had dated several months, he said, “You know, I wouldn’t mind if you flirted with me.”   After we were married, it was a different story.   I loved to flirt with him.  One of my daughters recently remarked that when we washed windows, he would wash the outside, and I would wash the inside, and we would flirt with each other through the glass.  I do not flirt with any other window washers.

So, men are absolutely safe with me.   I am 80 years old, and it is too late to alter my behavior.   I will continue to enjoy conversation with men and even sit with them if it seems like the right thing to do.

It’s actually pretty amusing that this could even be a concern at my age.  Ha!