What drives the desire for intimacy?

I have recently been pondering the difference between youth and old age as regards the desire for an intimate relationship.   When living in a retirement center, it isn’t uncommon to see people who have lost their spouses pair off with others.  Sometimes, there are relationships that seem to be of the boyfriend/girlfriend type indefinitely .  Other times, a remarriage occurs rather quickly.  What influences the pace?

One could ask the same question regarding relationships between the young.  I think it is quite apparent that youthful relationships are largely driven by hormones.  The sex drive can be unbelievably strong.  Once it has kicked in, it moves in only one direction.  If there is not increasing physical intimacy, the relationship ends.

I think the primary driver among us old folks is loneliness.  After living, perhaps over 50 years, with a spouse and sharing so many experiences together, life without a companion becomes very lonely.  An older widow, who was clearly lonely and acquired a “boyfriend,” told me that love was just as great the second time and did not have the complications of hormones.  A widower I know was quite clear that he desperately needed a companion after his wife’s passing.  He quite quickly developed a friendship with a lady who could fill that role.

I am aware of some late in life second marriages that were likely motivated by loneliness and ended in disaster…heartbreak and divorce.  Similarly, youthful relationships in which sex is the primary motivator can end in disaster.  So…what is a proper motivation?

As I see it, neither sex nor loneliness should be the primary reason for entering an intimate relationship.  Sex was not my primary motivator the first time, and loneliness will not be the second time, if such a thing occurs.  I am not denying that both sex and loneliness may be elements in an attraction, but neither should be the overriding reason for someone who is a believer in Christ and desires His purposes for his/her life.

In marrying Bill, I had a deep assurance within my heart and soul that we could accomplish more for Christ and His kingdom as a couple, than the sum of what we could/would accomplish as individuals.  For someone who is genuinely Christian, that should always be a large element of the decision to enter an intimate relationship.  For a believer, God Himself is part of the intimate relationship.  If He is not in it, trouble will ensue.   We tend to expect too much of an earthly companion, if our relationship with God is not primary.  Intimacy with God takes the pressure off intimacy with another person.

So…young people, make sure there is a great deal more to the attraction than sex, AND we old people need to be sure there is a whole lot more to a relationship than relief from loneliness.