Calling Hours

An acquaintance from a professional setting, who became a friend, passed away a few days ago.  The calling hours were today about a 40-minute drive from my home.  During the ride there and back, I was reflecting on the awkwardness that can result from trying to find the right thing to say to bereaved family…especially if you do not know them as well as you have known the deceased person.

I am sure there have been times when I have said something that was not the perfect thing to say, but I have at least attempted not to be totally insensitive.  I have, however, been on the receiving end of some really inappropriate remarks.  On one occasion, I stopped at the church where the service was to be held.  I had prepared a powerpoint presentation with pictures of the deceased family member and background music.  I took a copy on a memory stick to the church office so that it could be checked out ahead of time and ready to go for the memorial service.  The church secretary took it in to one of the pastors’ offices.  He proceeded to rant at her that he was doing something and certainly could not look at it now.  I could hear every word he said.  He should have known that I could.  I had not asked for it to be done right then….just that it be verified before the service so that it could be run smoothly.

Wow!  He did not come out of the office and express his sympathy and tell me he would do his best to see that everything was ready for the service.  He sat in his office and ranted at the secretary.  I wanted very badly to give him some unsolicited advice on how to behave toward someone who has just lost a family member. 

At my Mother’s memorial service, some wonderful things were said about her…every word of it was true.  She was a great lady and deserving of the praise.  But on the way out, one individual said to me, “Well, you’re never going to live up to that!” 

How on earth could that be construed as even remotely appropriate to say to a bereaved family member?  Maybe it is true.  Maybe I will never live up to the sweetness and goodness of my Mother.  The truth is that I don’t aspire to be like her.  We are very different people.  I need to aspire to be the best version of who I am.  In any case, insulting someone at a family member’s memorial service is a major faux pas.  I actually did not hold it against the woman.  I figured such situations are awkward and some people say the wrong thing instead of saying nothing, so I shrugged it off.  But I thought of it today, as I pondered what I could say.

The line was really long today.  I waited an hour and a half to see the family.  I tried to find something positive to say to each of them.  I hope I didn’t say anything that was in any way hurtful.  “I am sorry for your loss” seems so trite, and they must have heard it more that 100 times today, but that or just a hug or handshake is better than a thoughtless, careless remark.  Since none of them knew me, I shared with each of them how I had known the lovely lady, respected her, and valued her friendship.

Death is awkward.  It is a sure thing, but not a pleasant thing.  Death was not God’s original intent for us.  It rips a person out of the fabric of his or her family and leaves a gaping hole.  If we joke about it, it is just because we don’t want to stare it straight in the face.  But we need to remember that family who have suffered this loss have a raw wound.  We need to pour on a healing tonic…not a burning acid.

I don’t think there is much chance of the offenders mentioned here reading this, but if they do, I hope they recognize themselves and, in the future, pray for wisdom before they speak.