Only Laura

I wonder if there has ever been another mother who received a phone call quite like this one.
"Hello, Mrs. C., this is the school nurse.  Please, don't be concerned.  We don't think there will be any bad consequences, but the principal said I needed to call you and let you know what happened today.  (Pregnant pause)  Laura got her arm stuck in a soap dispenser."
Multiple images of how such a thing could happen flashed through my mind, but I didn't ask very many questions.  I listened to her side of the story and waited until the end of the school day for Laura's version.


The setting:
The middle school at that time was structured in the "open classroom" design.  Instead of walls partitioning off classrooms, there were groupings of desks with bookcases in between.  The entrance to the lavatories was visible from several classroom areas.  The toilets were in an enclosed area, but the sinks were out in the open and could be seen by these classrooms.  The sinks were round with water coming out in all directions, and the soap dispenser was large, round and in the middle of the sink.  It had small holes in the top.


The story:
Laura used the lavatory, and when she came out, she noticed a little girl standing at the sink and behaving in a distraught manner.   She had dropped her barrette in the soap dispenser and had no idea how to get it out.  Laura, who had an ADHD diagnosis, was very impulsive but also very compassionate.  The combination frequently got her into trouble.  That day was no exception.  The barrette was in the soap dispenser.  There were holes in the top of the soap dispenser.  Obvious and immediate conclusion, with no time out to consider consequences...plunge her arm through the hole to retrieve the poor, sad child's barrette.
Uh, oh....arm goes in the soap dispenser, but cannot be pulled out.
As Laura told it, the first teacher that passed by said, "Huh, I'm just going to leave you there!"
Eventually adults willing to help converged on the scene:  the principal, the vice-principal, the school nurse, assorted maintenance and janitorial staff.
They soaped up her arm.  
They greased her arm with petroleum jelly.
They attempted to dismantle the soap dispenser.
Finally a janitor very carefully slid a hack saw blade in between Laura's arm and the edge of the hole.  As gently as possible, he sawed outward until the top of the dispenser could be spread apart and Laura's arm released.  He successfully freed her without so much as a scratch.


The Aftermath:
A few weeks later, I ran into a friend.
"Laura, got her arm stuck in a soap dispenser, didn't she?"
"How did you know about that?"
"Oh, I was at a luncheon for hostesses for the Miss New York State pageant.  One of the other hostesses is a teacher at the middle school.  She told this hysterical story about a kid who got her arm caught in a soap dispenser, and when she said the girl's name was Laura....well, I knew who it had to be."


I thought I would get a bill for the damage to the soap dispenser, but I never did.  Almost 30 years have passed, so I guess they're not going to send one.

Invictus

"Out of the night that covers me, black as pit from pole to pole..." I don't ever expect that I will forget these words, no matter how long I live or how senile I become.

I first read Invictus by Ernest Henley when I was in ninth grade. I would have been 13 years old. My English teacher, Mrs. Beyers, not only had us read the poem, but promised extra credit if we would learn it and recite it in front of the class. I memorized easily and had no problem learning the words themselves. I did, however, run into big trouble with the meaning of the words. It was one thing to let the words drift through my mind. It was another thing to form those words with my mouth and utter them for others to hear. I recoiled at the image of those words coming out of my mouth.

"It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishment the scroll." What??? Of course, it matters! Unless there is no God, no afterlife, no punishment or reward.

I knew then and know now, that there is no way to prove that God exists. But, there is also no way to prove that He doesn't exist. Maybe someone else is brave enough to shake his fist at the heavens, gambling that he is not shaking it in God's face. I am just not that big a risk taker.

I am not saying that I live in fear of a God who might or might not be there. I "know" from my personal experience that He is there, and that He desires to have a relationship with us, the people He has created. I do realize, however, that what I "know" and what I can prove by scientific method are two different things. Those who would tell me I can't prove He is there, cannot prove that He isn't there. I find it just plain foolish of them to take a chance on eternity.

"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." Oh, now, there's a great idea! Humanly speaking, I am plenty smart and plenty wise, but I am imperfect and I cannot see the future. I have no desire to be the master of my fate and the captain of my soul. I prefer to leave that in the hands of someone who is perfect and who can see the future. I do not believe in the "bludgeonings of chance."

The day came for the extra credit recitation. Mrs. Beyers asked if anyone had memorized the poem and was ready to recite it. No one offered. Then she looked right at me...I was probably trying so hard not to attract attention, that I attracted attention.

"You know it, don't you, Ruth?"

"Yes."

"Well, stand up and say it for us."

"I don't want to."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't believe what it says."

Brief silence..no argument...the class went on.

Years passed. I read following the execution of Timothy McVey that he had not spoken any final words, but had left a written message which included Invictus by Ernest Henley.

I grew up in western New York outside of Buffalo. Timothy McVey, executed for the Oklahoma City bombing, grew up in western New York, outside of Buffalo. I wondered had my English teacher and his English teacher been at the same conference and heard an expert suggest that students be asked to memorize that poem? What was it that emblazoned those words in his mind? Was it fascination?

For me, it was horror and deep sadness. I am sick with fear for the person who boldly speaks the words of Invictus. The image which come to my mind is Boris in the movie Goldeneye, who shouts "I am invincible" just as he is about to be flash-frozen by liquid nitrogen, which the viewer can see is already exploding behind him, as he makes his triumphant exclamation. It is hilarious in the movie, but not funny at all in reality.

She should be dying now.

I haven't written much in this blog about the fact that I am a nurse, and I don't know why this particular experience is on my mind today. It happened over 40 years ago.

I was a nursing student at a hospital in a major metropolitan area and nearing the end of the 3 years of "training," which is what nursing school was called in those ancient times. The education was inexpensive, because the students were slaves of the hospital. We really did earn our keep. There is no denying, however, that by the time the three grueling years were over, we were very well prepared.

I was assigned to take care of a women about 30 years old who had ulcerative colitis. She was married and the mother of two young children. I had watched her condition deteriorate over the several days since her admission. Her doctor who was a general practice physician had eventually called in an internist to consult, but it was not the internist on the staff who had the most experience in gastrointestinal disease. She continued to become more ill.

On a Sunday, a surgeon came in and saw her having also been asked to consult on her case. At this point the woman was desperately ill. I was convinced that her intestine had perforated, and that the only way to save her life was immediate surgery. The surgeon examined her. I made sure he was aware of her symptoms, but he was clearly not planning to take her to surgery. I wanted to jump up and down and scream at him, but it was a major faux pas to tell a physician his business. So, I played like I was just a curious student and tentatively inquired, "Dr. H, do you think there is any chance she is perforated?"

Dr. H who was a very prominent surgeon flippantly replied, "No...but go ahead and satisfy yourself. Order a flat plate of the abdomen."

Then to my horror, Dr. H. left and went out to play his Sunday round of golf.

I ordered the X-ray to be done in the room with portable equipment. It came back clearly showing a perforation of the intestine which would result in massive infection in the abdomen.

We couldn't get through to Dr. H on the links.

The patient died.

A husband was left without his wife.

Two little children were left without a mother.

I was left wondering why patients came from hundreds of miles around to have Dr. H operate on them.

She should not have died 40-some years ago. Today she would be in her 70s....a better time to die. She should have seen her children grow up. She should have been a grandmother.

Sometimes being a nurse is heart-breaking.

The Life of a Tree

In the mid-80s, my husband came home one Saturday with a tiny little slip of an evergreen tree. He had stopped at the local McDonalds, and they were giving the trees away with every cup of coffee.

We picked a spot near the back of the house, between it and the adjacent house, and planted the tree. It was so tiny, that my husband put a stake next to it, so that he wouldn't forget about it and mow it down when he cut the lawn.

In 1991 we had an ice storm. All of the tree branches were weighed down with a heavy coating of ice resulting in many limbs snapping off. By this time, the little evergreen was just a bit taller than our four-year-old son. He stared out the window at the drooping branches of the forlorn looking little tree. "I have to go out and help that tree," he declared.

He bundled up in jacket and boots and crunched through the ice to the tree. Carefully, gently, he reached up to the top of the tree and shook it, loosening the coat of ice. As the chunks and fragments fell to the ground, the branches of the tree popped back up into normal position.

In the late 90s, my mother had a stroke and was bed-ridden in our dining room. After her passing, my Dad lived with us in that room. During those years, the evergreen was right outside their window and a perfect height to be a Christmas tree. I strung it with lights and ran an extension cord through the nearest basement window, so that they could look out on some holiday cheer.

My parents are gone. My son is married and lives across the country. The tree soars upward. If I want to see the top of it now, I have to climb two flights of stairs and look out the window on the third floor of our old Victorian home.

We are moving this summer and will sell our house. Someone else may enjoy the tree, but not as much as I have.

Confession

I didn't sleep well last night, and I was under no pressure to get to work at a specific time today, so I rolled over. As a result, I was still in bed when my daughter called from Maine. After chatting with her, I talked to her two girls. Maddie (age 3) and I had a brief conversation, but Meri (age 4 1/2) is quite a chatterbox.

Here is a snippet of the conversation:

Meri: What are you going to do today, Grandma?

Me: I am going to go to work, but I guess I need to get out of bed first.

Meri: I had oatmeal and juice for breakfast this morning. What are you going to have for breakfast, Grandma Ruthie.

Me: Oh, Meri. I think I am going to be naughty. I made a rhubarb pie, and I think I will eat a piece for breakfast.

Meri: WHAT!!!???

It isn't possible to relate in text the expression that went into this....or the volume. My husband who was in bed next to me heard this although the phone was nowhere near his ear.

She then turned to her mother and quietly, but disapprovingly, said, "Mommy, Grandma Ruthie is going to eat rhubarb pie for breakfast."

I could hear her mother chuckling. She and I have been known to eat pie for breakfast together.

So...there you have it...my dirty little secret.

I do indeed eat pie for breakfast.

I would never be tempted to eat banana cream or pecan pie for breakfast, but raspberry or rhubarb? Well, that's a different matter entirely.

Doing the 5K Loop

I have an exercise area set up in the house: Nordic Track, rowing machine, treadmill and a flatscreen TV to distract me during the otherwise boring process of trying to lower my LDL and raise my HDL. However, this afternoon, although the air was chilly, was also beautifully sunny. Going for a walk outdoors seemed like a great idea. The down side of this decision was the concern that I might end up limping home. Occasionally when I walk, something goes amiss before I make the complete circuit, and I hobble home with pain in my left hip and knee. There have even been a couple of times when I have had to call my husband on my cell phone and request taxi service home. At least if I am on the treadmill, I am already home.

My husband has been a distance runner since his teen years. He has several routes through the city all measured out. One of these is a 5K (3+ miles) loop which he does in a counter-clockwise direction, so that there is a steep hill in the first half of the run and a gradual downslope home. I prefer to go clockwise with a gradual uphill in the first half and the steep downslope on the home stretch.

When I left home, he was on the computer, but said he would shortly be going out for a run. I started out with a tissue stuffed up the left sleeve of my sweatshirt (my nose runs in the cold), and my cell phone stuffed up the right sleeve......no pockets.

It really was a glorious afternoon. Daffodils and tulips are in bloom. Trees are beginning to bud. A dog barked ferociously from behind his fence....fortunately, a nice sturdy fence.

I came along just in time to see a grandmother get out of her car and head toward a house where two little heads peeked up over the windowsill in anticipation. She glanced my way, and we exchanged a smile. "I love it...I just love it," she said. I nodded, because we grandmothers know about this feeling. I was glad I had decided to walk outdoors, as I thoroughly enjoyed that shared moment.

In the next block, I noticed a man out mowing his lawn. I recognized him as a professor from the community college, who had known my son when he was a student there. He saw me coming and turned the mower off as I approached. He asked about my son....where he was, what he was doing. I must confess to delighting in any opportunity to "brag" about my son.

In the next block, I saw a runner coming toward me. It isn't unusual to see runners while I am out walking, but I decided to give this one a kiss. He has been my favorite runner for over 40 years. I then spent some time musing about the morning he had surprised me.

Several years ago, I was going through a time of emotional upheaval, and I kept waking up ridiculously early. If I stayed in bed, I would just toss and turn and feel distraught, so I would get up and walk the 5K loop. I often saw early morning runners. My husband has never been a morning person, much less a crack-of-the-dawn runner. He was always in a deep sleep when I left...or so I thought. On one of those mental health walks, I realized a runner was coming from the other direction straight at me. It wasn't until a few seconds before he planted a kiss on me that I recognized him. Every time I think of him overcoming his morning inertia to surprise me, I smile inside.

He, of course, runs a lot faster than I walk, so he beat me home today. About a block from home, I saw the car pull out and head in my direction. He was coming to find me and make sure my leg wasn't bothering me. He said he had projected when I would arrive home based on when he had seen me, and I was behind schedule. My leg was fine, but there had been so much to see and to ponder, that my focus on a pace was non-existent.

When I walk outdoors, my mind travels a lot farther than 5K.

You know you have been married a long time when...

Last evening Bill and I went out for dinner to celebrate his 67th birthday. He was upstairs getting ready to go, when it occurred to me that there was something I wanted to talk to him about. I also needed to use the bathroom, so I thought I would multi-task by using the upstairs bathroom and talking simultaneously.

When I arrived in the upstairs bathroom, I discovered that he was occupying the porcelain throne.

I said, "I was going to talk to you while you got ready, but..."

Guessing what I was about to say, he said, "Oh, you needed to use the toilet too."

Turning to leave, I replied, "I'll just go use the other bathroom."

Then thinking I had come up with a clever line, "Hmmm....maybe we should..."

He burst out in laughter when I was only three words into my punch line.

"Do you know what I was going to say?"

Still laughing, "Yes!"

"Seriously....you knew I was going to say that maybe we should remodel the bathroom and put in adjacent toilets?"

"Yup."

Now that seems to me to be a pretty random comment. So, you know you have been married a long time when your husband laughs at your joke before you have even gotten it out of your mouth.

When we were young, we used to get in the bathtub together and have great discussions in which we pondered our own problems and those of the world.

Now that we are old, we apparently are both picturing ourselves on adjacent toilets working out our own problems and those of the world.

Perhaps this isn't such an off-the-wall idea. When I was a kid, I had friends who lived on farms that still had outhouses. Most of these seemed to have two adjacent holes in the bench seat.

So when some home designer comes up with the notion that having two toilets in the bathroom is simultaneously both innovative and retro, remember you read it here first.

In other words, to borrow the phraseology of a currently popular ad, "I'm an old lady, and adjacent toilets were my idea."