Sometimes I think I am back in junior high school, even though I am at a retirement community.
It has been
pointed out to me by multiple people that they have seen me sitting with a man
in church. I have, in fact, sat with
this man and his girlfriend for most of the past three years, which no one
seems to have noticed. When I lost Bill,
my neighbor B.H. noticed me sitting alone in church. He told me that he and his girlfriend J.V.
would be happy to have me sit with them.
This was a great kindness to me. But,
J.V. died this summer. Should I abandon
B.H. when he has just lost the person he loved?
He was kind to me when I lost the person I loved. I think it would be unkind and rude to sit
elsewhere…so…I guess people can continue to talk.
I can give them
plenty more tidbits, if they need them.
I have recently accepted rides home on the golf cart of B.B. This has resulted in some meaningful
conversation. I sometimes email P.D.,
often with prayer requests. I go out of
my way to check and see if G.G. is at his garden. When I switched gardens, he expressed sadness
that I was no longer in the garden adjacent to his and, therefore, no longer
available to talk to him. So, I now look
for him. At Christmas time, I take
cookies to W.S. and B.L. and J.I. if he is not out of town. This is a tradition
that began when their wives and my Bill were alive. I see no reason to quit.
When interacting with another widow, I can hug
her, hold her hand while praying with her, invite her to my apartment for a
meal, suggest we get together at the Café or one of the onsite
restaurants. I would not do any of these
things with an unattached man. But, I
can offer kindness and conversation.
I am not now and
never have been a flirt. I am not “on
the prowl” trying to add some man to my life.
Do I enjoy the company of men?
Yes…I always have. I had brothers,
no sisters. My only girl cousin died in
childhood, so I had all boy cousins. When
the family gathered at my maternal grandparents’ home, the women sat in the
kitchen talking, while the men sat in the living room. Little Ruthie sat in the living room with the
men. The conversation there was much
more interesting.
I had lots of “brothers”
in both high school and college. Sometimes,
I thought I knew them better than their girlfriends did. They didn’t need to project a certain image
with me. I majored in chemistry in
college, and at that time, it was dominated by males. I had no problem being the only female in the
room.
At my last
full-time job, I coordinated our hospital’s participation in an NCI funded
prostate cancer research project. I had
34 men enrolled and saw them twice a year for 8 years. I was careful to
maintain a professional approach. At the
beginning, the men were sometimes accompanied by their wives or
girlfriends. When that no longer
happened, I figured the women knew they could trust me.
I always believed
flirtation was manipulative and dishonest.
I didn’t even engage in it with Bill.
After we had dated several months, he said, “You know, I wouldn’t mind
if you flirted with me.” After we were
married, it was a different story. I
loved to flirt with him. One of my
daughters recently remarked that when we washed windows, he would wash the
outside, and I would wash the inside, and we would flirt with each other through
the glass. I do not flirt with any other window washers.
So, men are
absolutely safe with me. I am 80 years
old, and it is too late to alter my behavior.
I will continue to enjoy conversation with men and even sit with them if
it seems like the right thing to do.
It’s actually
pretty amusing that this could even be a concern at my age. Ha!
