Grandma Ruthie
On the boat watching the wake,
I see the spray of water,
Droplets sparkling in the
sunlight,
Are thousands of dazzling
diamonds.
I dream I am a queen,
Riding in my chariot,
Driven by my favorite knight,
Leaving diamonds in my wake.
But I am but a woman,
My boat and my knight are gone.
If only I could cast behind me,
Shining pearls of wisdom.
I stand before a holy God,
By
frequent failings marred,
By
persistent sinning scarred,
By
troubles encumbered,
By
enemies outnumbered.
How often
I’ve blundered,
Opportunities
squandered,
With
patience expired,
With work
uninspired.
What will
He do with me?
His glory
encountered,
My ego
devoured.
Will He redirect me?
Will He redefine me?
Will He
be angered
By His
image disfigured,
His
perfect plan altered,
As I’ve
stumbled and faltered?
His gaze
is piercing, but…
With loving eyes, He looks
Through
the crimson veil,
Drawn
from wounds of the nail,
And by His grace, I am…
In Mark 6:7 and 12-13, we read, “Calling the twelve to him, he sent them out two by two and gave them authority over evil spirits.” Following his instructions, “They went out and preached that people should repent. They drove out many demons and anointed many sick people with oil and healed them.”
I’ve read this passage many times before, but this is the
first time I was struck by the fact that the 12 went out two by two. They each ministered with a partner. Sooooooo….who was the partner of Judas, and
how did that go? Did Judas function
empowered by the Spirit of God? Was it
his partner who carried the burden of ministry?
Was Judas’ inclination toward evil in any way apparent to the person who
worked so closely with him? Were they
any less effective than other twosomes?
In Luke 22:3, it says that Satan entered Judas just prior to
the betrayal. However, we also know from
John 12:6 that Judas was the “treasurer” for the group and that he had his hand
in the money bag. This would indicate
that he was not a whole-hearted follower of Jesus from the beginning. He was in the habit of giving in to
temptation.
This raises all sorts of questions in my mind. A big one is how one goes from being a person
who preaches repentance and a person to whom God gives the gift of healing to a
person who will regularly give in to temptation and ultimately betray the
Lord. But, haven’t we seen this in our
times with the fall of well-known and respected preachers and teachers? Do the believers around them ignore the “little
sins?” Do they fail to hold them
accountable?
After spending an extended time in ministry with Judas, did
his partner not see anything amiss? Did
anyone go to Jesus and express concern?
Of course, in the case of Judas, Christ knew what would happen and that
it was a necessary part of the plan for our redemption. So, if another disciple had expressed concern
to Him, He would have told him not to worry about it…that he knew what Judas
was thinking and doing. Actually, I
think women often have better instincts than men when it comes to someone’s
true nature, so it wouldn’t surprise me to find out that a woman in the group
expressed her concerns about him.
God knows and will ultimately judge rightly, but I think we
bear responsibility to hold those with whom we partner accountable. We need to care enough to confront when we
see someone edging their way toward betrayal.
Recently I mentioned to someone that my family did not expect Bill to die before me. They thought that I would die first, and then they would spend the next ten years worried about what Bill might be up to. The person asked, “Aren’t they worried about you?”
Hmmm….probably not. I
think most of my family has always expected me to “manage” no matter what
happens. This included my own Mother, who
got over worrying about me early on.
As a child, I went away from home every summer to a Girls’
Camp which was held during a week in August.
One year, when I was about 8 or 9, there was a major cold snap during
the week I was at camp. My Mother did
not drive, so when my Father got home from work the day following the bitter
cold night, my Mother insisted he drive down to the camp with extra blankets.
When Dad arrived at the camp, I was surprised to see him, and
I explained that I had not been cold at all.
I had gone to bed in my warmest pajamas wearing in addition: socks, a
sweater, my robe (which I think was quilted) and a scarf on my head. My parents found this amusing…and reassuring.
Years later it was time for me to go away to nursing school,
and four years after that, my brother went off to college. My Father was perplexed. He said to my Mother, “We took your daughter
700 miles away from home, and you never shed a tear. We took you son only 200 miles from home, and
you cried all the way home!”
My Mother replied, “I knew Ruthie could manage.”
So now without my sweetheart, I manage. For years we faced every difficulty in life
as a team. We managed together. Now I face life without him. Fortunately, I have Jesus by my side.
I am not always happy with life as it is now, but by the grace
of God, I am managing.
There are things I probably should no longer read or see.
This morning, I saw a headline about a 16-month-old girl who
was left alone in a playpen while her mother took a vacation for 10 days. When she returned, the child was unresponsive
and either died or had died. I
immediately started to cry. I really
should stop clicking on and reading such articles as it breaks my heart and
results in immediate tears. I don’t
leave my plants for 10 days without arranging for someone to water them! I would not leave a child that age alone for
10 hours, much less 10 days. I would
likely be checking every 10 minutes or less.
My mother was this way near the end of her life. I thought it was because of her recent
stroke, but I don’t know that it didn’t happen before that. I just knew about it, because I was caring
for her after the stroke. We couldn’t
let her watch the evening news. If
anything came on that stated or implied that children were in danger, she would
burst into tears and cry out “the children, the children!” This was at the point where she couldn’t
carry on a conversation and often spoke gibberish.
Shortly after the war in Ukraine began, I saw an image on
television that still plays in my mind.
A young boy, perhaps about 10, was walking down a road with devastation all
around. He was completely alone, no
adult near him, and he was carrying a black garbage bag. I assumed the bag contained his
belongings. He was staggering along the
road crying as he went. This image keeps
coming back to my mind and causes tears to well up in my eyes. My only comfort is that I hear the Lord say, “the
hairs of his head are numbered.”
I don’t know if it is old age or the fact that my emotions are
more raw than ever before since the loss of my husband. Then again, I’ve had these feelings at other
points in my life.
I know it’s not Christmas, but I first heard this song in the
late 60s before we had children, and it brought tears to my eyes then, as it
expressed the desire for all children to be cared for and loved.
Sandler and Young, I Sing Noel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4R06T14Qac
Today, as I was missing my husband, I thought of the many
times when something difficult seemed to happen while he was out of town or
tied up at the office. Many of these
incidents were uncomfortable and best forgotten, but one is rather amusing and
made me smile.
We did not often have mice in our big old Victorian home, but
on one occasion, we found evidence of the presence of a mouse. Bill set a trap and caught the critter. This happened just before he was scheduled to
go out of town on a business trip. There
was discussion among the children about my aversion to mice. This stemmed from my father terrorizing me as
a child by chasing me while holding a dead mouse by the tail. I have no idea why he thought it was
funny. In any event, my kids wondered, what
would Mom do if there was a mouse while Dad was gone? Our son, who was about nine years old at the
time, declared he would handle it.
Our son was not a macho man.
He was a …well…he was a cute little nerd boy. He loved math and geography and sports
statistics. Eventually, he would start
college at the age of 13, so he was not the type one would expect to bravely
handle a mouse.
A couple of weeks later, my husband was in town, but he was at
work. One of my daughters, who was in
her early 20s, was sitting in the living room and began to scream. “There’s a mouse in here. He’s sitting right here looking at me!”
I was in the kitchen and replied, “You’re not expecting me to
come in there, are you?”
My son was in the downstairs bathroom just off the
kitchen. He came flying out of the
bathroom, stopped at the back door to slip on his shoes, and ran to the living
room. He moved so quickly that the mouse
did not see him coming, and he stomped on it killing it instantly.
Meanwhile, my daughter had her feet pulled up in the chair,
and was shrieking, “I can’t believe he did that! I can’t believe he did that!”
Being squeamish, I didn’t want him to handle the germy mouse,
so I told him to kick it off the carpet onto the hardwood floor, and we’d leave
it for his Dad to handle when he got home from work.
I smile every time I think of my cute but geeky little blond
boy rising to the occasion to “protect” us.
Before I met you,
I believed you existed,
Somewhere beyond my reach.
And when I met you,
My heart beat faster,
Knowing you were within reach.
For over 50 years
We circled and danced
Passionately reaching.
Now you are gone.
And once again, you exist
Somewhere beyond my reach.
And yet, I can’t let go.
My heart and mind keep stretching
Into a soundless void…
Reaching…
Reaching…
Reaching…
