The news this week is full of the fact that Robin Williams committed suicide. Discussion centers on
how someone who brought so much joy and made so many smile could be in such
despair himself, that he would take his own life. Anyone with suicidal thoughts is urged to
reach out for help.
I have had suicidal thoughts during two eras of my
life. On both occasions, I decided that
if I could prevent myself from trying to figure out how I would do it, then I
wouldn’t do it. I consciously rejected
making a plan.
As a teenager, I struggled with despair that was more
intellectual than emotional. My
increasing ability to understand the world and its potential for evil and
tendency toward futility caused me to wonder why anyone bothered to put up with
life. It was my personal belief in a God
who could and did give meaning to existence that caused me to reject the notion
of suicide. I could see that life could
be without purpose and significance, but that it didn’t have to be. I exercised faith that God had a plan for me,
and that He would guide me into a life which conformed to His greater plan. I believed that if I daily prayed and sought
for His will, He would make my life fit into the big picture which He could see
even though I could not.
Decades passed with no thoughts about ending my life. But in 2000-2001, I had an experience which
rocked me to the core. People who I had
totally trusted and believed to have my best interests at heart chose to
believe a gossip version of some of my words and actions. This was especially devastating, because it
happened in a church setting…..a place I had attended for over 30 years. This time the belief that my life had purpose
and meaning didn’t work, because the whole point of the accusations was that,
in the view of my “friends,” I had not been fitting into God’s plan…I had been
“destructive” and hurtful. Incidents
going back decades were dredged up in altered form. I didn’t recognize my own life. I certainly didn’t like the person they were
describing. They gave me no way of
making any of my supposed “misdeeds” right.
They would not tell me who my accusers were. None of this was in keeping with biblical
principles or the policy of our denomination.
Further details of all of this
aren’t important. The crucial point is
that I found suicidal thoughts floating through my mind during sleepless nights
and days of turmoil.
In a way, my faith played into such thoughts this time. I trusted God. He knew my heart. He knew the intentions with which I had lived
my life. I was not afraid to face
Him. It was everyone else I really
didn’t want to be around anymore. My
friends were inflicting pain. I was sure
God was merciful and would welcome me home.
But…..
I could not hurt my husband and my son by leaving them. They were both never-endingly loving and
supportive through those horrible days.
Suicide would have been cruel to them.
Neither of them ever gave any indication of believing the accusations
against me. They lived with me and knew
my heart. As even some family members
turned on me, I came to feel they were the only two men in the world worthy of
my trust.
Years have passed and as it turned out, God did have a plan. After months of agony, I came out of the dark
valley. My husband and I found a new
church. I found a challenging job. I made new friends. The passage of time gave perspective to some
of my old friends. The hand of God was
underneath me all along, and I was bound to life with the steel cable of love
from my husband and son.
I grieve for those who have no faith in a loving God.
I grieve for those who do not have family ties.
I grieve for those so blinded by despair that they forget God’s
plan and the love of their family.
I grieve for the family whose loved one temporarily forgets
their love and carries out the irretrievable act leaving them to feel the pain
of unnecessary loss.
It is interesting to ponder that at this exact moment in
time some in the world struggle to survive, while others look for a way to die.
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