One Year Has Passed

A year has passed…

You have not come home from a business trip.

I have not heard you say, “Hi, Babes!”

I haven’t seen your running clothes hanging in the bathroom to dry.

You haven’t asked me to make a hot fudge sundae for you.

I haven’t seen you sitting on the other end of the couch or at the dinner table.

You haven’t described the pickleball games you played this morning.

I haven’t seen you working at your desk or attending a zoom meeting.

We haven’t walked to church holding hands.

You haven’t driven me to appointments.

You haven’t emptied the trash and taken care of recyclables.

We haven’t snuggled up to each other in bed.

We haven’t prayed together for our children and grandchildren.

I haven’t laid my head on your chest and heard your heart beating.

But…

I still talk to you.

And sometimes I feel as though you have your arms around me.

What does it mean to be "in love?"

I cannot forget watching the interview with Charles and Diana after they had become engaged.  They were asked if they were “in love.”  Diane responded positively, but Charles…like a stiff cold fish…said, “Whatever in love means.”

Diana should have removed the engagement ring, dropped it in Charles’ lap and walked away.  But Diana was only 19 years old, inexperienced and without the wisdom of age.  Charles was already in his 30s, experienced, and should have had wisdom, but apparently did not.

Although the ceremonies engaged in by the royalty are steeped in religious tradition, he apparently did not understand the meaning of the marriage vows.  In the Bible, a man is admonished to love his wife as Christ loves the Church. (Ephesians 5:25)  He is to protect and nurture his wife.  He is to make their relationship exclusive.  Charles was already “in love” with someone else.  Perhaps he thought he could keep the relationship with Diana exclusive.  But it is claimed that he told Diana that he refused to be the only Prince of Wales who didn’t have a mistress.  It doesn’t sound like he was committed to exclusivity.

Had Charles properly loved Camilla, he would have had the courage to admit his love for her and take the consequences.   Had he properly loved Diana, he would have had the self-control to focus on her and her needs, rather than his own.  If he had loved her, he would have maintained the relationship, and she would not have been out in the world seeking affection from other men.  She would not have been in a car with Dodi Fayed.  Her sons would not have grown up without their mother.

I did not watch the coronation.  I cannot respect a man who has behaved so badly. 

I cannot respect Donald Trump for similar reasons.

I do respect the men I see in the retirement community caring tenderly for their wives as they age.  The reverse is true also.  I see women standing by their husbands even in the face of physical and mental decline.   These are people who understand the marriage vows, and who will stand before God having followed the example of Christ.

I am grateful for a husband whose love was exclusive and unwavering.  Early on, we verbalized our commitment to grow old together.  I just wish “old” had meant more than his 79 years.

What Makes Me Cry?

I have never been a person who cried easily.  I decided before becoming an adult that crying accomplished nothing and often gave me a headache.  I could probably count on one hand the times in my adult life that I have cried prior to May 16, 2022.

But…

Since Bill’s death, I cry on a regular basis…as in multiple times a day, and sometimes it is not because of sadness over his absence in my life.  I just feel emotionally “raw” so that anything can push me over the edge.

In the past two days, I have cried for the following reasons:

*singing the song “In Christ Alone”

*reading that there are 1.7 million orphans wandering the streets of Cairo, Egypt

*thinking that Christ had to die in order for me to live eternally

*receiving a letter from the head of a Christian ministry describing the degree of commitment exhibited by some Christian workers in the face of danger to themselves

*reading that an adult male severely injured a two month old baby, because the baby had pulled on his nose ring

*finding that my husband had a stash of birthday/Valentine/other occasion cards addressed to me that he had never given me.  He must have been concerned that he might forget some year, so he had a supply in a file drawer all signed and with my name on the envelopes.

Those are the times coming to mind at the moment.  I think there have been some others. 

Well….there’s also writing this.

Never the Same

You touched my life too deeply,

I loved you too completely,

I will never be the same.

 

Too many days together,

A bond too strong to sever,

I will never be the same.

 

Until some sweet tomorrow,

May abolish tears and sorrow,

I will never be the same.

Telephone Line to Heaven

When my husband Bill traveled on business, he called me every night, if it was at all possible to do so.  I have an internal clock that tells me it is time for his call.  He is, of course, currently on a very, very long business trip to a place without cell phone coverage…heaven.  Last night when my “alarm” went off and it was time for his call, I laughed out loud with the delightful imagination that he could call me from heaven and tell me about his day.

Our typical phone calls would include his recounting of visits he had made to farms using the company’s irrigation systems, or visits with dealers.  He would tell me about meetings he had attended or with whom he had eaten lunch and dinner.  Perhaps, he had met interesting people in his travels.  Sometimes he extended trips to get in some skiing or other physical activity.  Then I would hear which ski area he had gone to, how many runs he had taken, and about any characters he had ridden with on the lift.  Sometimes he would have participated in a race or climbed a mountain and would be excited to describe this in detail.

I would tell him what I had done that day and catch him up on family matters or other things that were new in the community.  It seemed that there were often issues for me to deal with, that he would have dealt with if he had been home.  Once the smoke detector in an apartment we owned went off in the middle of the night, and I had to get up, drag a ladder over to the apartment and change the battery.  Maybe we had a huge snowfall, and I had to shovel, or even more scary, use the plow.  It didn’t matter how mundane either of our activities had been, we listened eagerly.

We always ended our conversations by telling each other how much we loved and missed each other.

So, if there was phone service in heaven, I’m sure we would still talk daily.  I would give him the details on my days here, and I would be so eager to learn what he is doing there.  It is just not possible that he is sitting around idly.  God made him for active engagement, and surely that is still God’s intent.

Christ is quoted in the Bible saying that there is no marriage in heaven.  But, Bill and I had a love that transcended marriage.  We loved each other as people and as fellow believers in the goodness of God.  That will be eternal.  We will always be interested in each other’s activities and want to support each other in whatever tasks God has for us.

Oh, how I would love to talk to him tonight at 9 PM.

From Isaiah 25

 Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.

You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in their distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat.

On this mountain the Lord Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples.

On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever.  The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces.

The Lord has spoken.

If the Lord has spoken, it must come to pass.  I look forward to the day when death is forever swallowed up and tears are wiped away!  Our sad and broken world sees too many tears and too much death.  Come, Lord Jesus.

Synergy

 Bill and I had a sort of synergy.  I would not have married him, if I had not believed that we could accomplish more together than the sum of what we could do singly.  Although we were very different in terms of our strengths, our gifts, we felt part of each other’s endeavors.  There were obvious practical ways in which we helped and supported each other, but there was more to it than that.  I think we both drew strength from a relationship of mutual trust and understanding, and a common faith.  Loss of that synergy is something I have felt keenly.

Several days ago, a huge weight of grief lifted from me.  Grief had been like a physical presence surrounding and filling me and causing me to cry multiple times a day.  When it first lifted, I wasn’t sure why, but then I realized that a specific thought had come to me.

It occurred to me that in the Lord’s prayer, we say “thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.”  I realized that Bill is now in heaven doing God’s will.  I reasoned that if I am doing God’s will here on earth, then Bill and I are still a team.  There is a sense in which the synergy still exists.  We may not be in physical proximity to each other, but we still share the common goal of seeing God’s kingdom come.  I believe that God can orchestrate our activities to be complementary and to continue to accomplish His purposes.  This is a huge comfort to me.

I know there is not marriage in heaven, but I expect that Bill and I will have eternity to enjoy working together on whatever God has in mind for us to do.