Here I Am

Here I am alone in the darkness,

No hand near mine to hold,

No embrace wards off the cold.

 

Here I am alone with my questions,

No answer to my “why?”

No one to hear me cry.

 

Here I am struggling painfully forward,

Is there a path ahead for me,

A future yet to be?

 

Here I am so weak, flawed and broken,

Will my wounded heart be mended,

God’s healing power extended?

 

Here I am….

In the Bag Check LIne

As I write this, I am flying between San Jose and Atlanta.  Both the bag check and security check lines were unusually long this morning, providing me with ample time for people watching.  So many different people exist in this world, and each one has his own story.  As I stood there, I had no idea what anyone was thinking…what his/her current joys or sorrows might be.  Unless, of course, someone was to engage me in conversation.

The man in front of me in the bag check line appeared to be sixty-ish.  He was neatly dressed and had a mustache that twirled up on the ends into a point. He had a couple of pieces of luggage and a brown paper sack.  As I entered the line and stood behind him, he said, “Do you fly much?”

I told him that I flew 3-4 times a year, although I was thinking that the number of times I fly could now be different with my husband gone.  Will I fly more or less?  I didn’t say all that.  It just passed quickly through my thoughts.

He said that I at least flew more than he did.  He wondered if I could tell him if he was in the correct line.  Did he have to go to the counter, even though he had checked in online?  Well, yes, he did, since he needed to drop off the bags he was planning to check.

Thus began an interesting chat during which I discovered he had lost his wife about a month before I lost Bill.  She had had breast cancer four years earlier, but then learned it had spread.  She was in pain and had difficulty breathing.  Eventually, she had hospice care.  He had not understood that meant there was nothing more that could be done.  Her loss has caused him much grief.  He had to move her picture from the hall.  He couldn’t bear to look at it as frequently as he passed it.

He talked about the happiness she brought into his life.  There were ways in which they were very different and other ways in which they shared interests for the 36 years of their marriage and the two years before that when they knew each other.

I totally understood.

By this time, we were called to the counter and I could not delve any further into whether he or she knew Jesus or had the comfort He provides.  I looked for him in the TSA line and later at the gate.  I didn’t see him until we were in the boarding process, and then it was at a distance.  Perhaps, all I was assigned to do was to offer my sympathy and understanding.

I don’t know his name, but I pray the man with the twirly mustache I met in the bag check line will come to know the peace only God can give.

Later….in my second flight of the day, I sat next to a young woman who was not very communicative.  She dozed or listened to music, so conversation was non-existent…. except as we landed.  It turned out she was a widow with young children.  She lost her husband 8 years ago when the kids were 2 and 4.  Her mother-in-law is an enormous help.

So much pain and loss in this world, and I understand it so deeply.

My Aura

I ran into a friend who said, “You miss your husband, don’t you?”

I thought it was obvious that I would, and I replied, “I miss him terribly.”

She said, “I can tell…there is an aura about you.”

What?

Can she see it?

I thought I was exuding a positive attitude!

Can she really see the ragged, bleeding edges where part of my self was ripped away?

It was not a clean surgical cut that could easily be sutured by time and good thoughts.

But…

I have done my best to exercise faith in a loving God.

Do I carry a gray aura of grief,

Or loneliness,

Or sadness?

Can everyone see it?

When they ask how I’m doing and I say that I am doing well,

Do they believe me?

I am not silly and empty-headed.

I cannot brush off tragedy as of no account.

But I will survive.

I will ponder and pray.

I will be transparent.

Perhaps slowly and in tiny increments,

My aura will change.

Perhaps, one day,

I will again be joyful,

And my aura be golden.

 

 

Silent Sob

Silent snowflakes fall to earth,

Leaves float gently down.

A tear drops from a wrinkled cheek,

But no one hears a sound.

 

My heart is shattered, broken.

My thoughts are incoherent.

A sob, a scream well up within,

But no one else can hear it.

 

Death snatched away my dearest love.

In vain I call his name.

His voice, his touch have disappeared,

And nothing is the same.

Quo Vadis?

While staying at my daughter’s house post Hurricane Ian, I have done lots of knitting, but I thought it was a good time to do some reading too.  I pulled Quo Vadis off her bookshelf, knowing it was a classic and having some vague idea that it dealt with the Roman Empire.  I guess my clue was the title in Latin, which means “where are you going?”  I did not realize the extent to which it is a romance.

The story is set in the first century during the time of Nero, who is portrayed as a nasty and unstable tyrant.  Living in this era, is Marcus Vinitius a wealthy young member of the aristocracy.  While visiting another aristocratic family, he catches a glimpse of a beautiful young woman named Ligia.  She is a member of royalty in a European tribe, and has been brought to Rome as a captive, although not a slave.  She lives with the aristocratic family as a sort of foster child.  The mother in the family Pomponia is a follower of Christ, and Ligia becomes one also.

Initially Vinitius’ interest in Ligia is motivated totally by lust because of her beauty.  He scorns the Christians, as do many Roman citizens.  Over the course of the story, he gradually and with much struggle comes to realize the truth and value of the Christian faith and becomes a Christian himself.  This changes his entire attitude towards Ligia, and he comes to love her in a genuine way.

This is a long book and is heavy into both philosophy and theology.  Petronius, who is Vinitius’ uncle, is a man of culture and good taste.  He is educated and witty and unflappable.  He has no use for Christianity and steeps himself in pleasures.  He is a confidant of Nero.  His discussions with Vinitius about his changing attitudes and with Nero allow for much of the philosophical discussion in the book.  Later in the book both Peter and Paul are introduced.  Their interactions and the contrast between them and the very judgmental Crispus help to define the theology of the book.

As Nero descends into madness, Rome is burned either at his suggestion or direction.  Which is not clear.  But, it is decided to blame the Christians.   Ligia is caught up in the persecution, and Vinitius is desperate to find a way to save her.  Nero knows of his love for her and delights in taunting Vinitius and watching his agony.  The horrors of this time for Christians are described in gory detail, as Nero and his advisor Tigellinus think up increasingly terrifying ways to kill Christians.

Although she nearly dies in prison and does end up in the arena, Ligia is spared in a miraculous way.  Petronius is eventually forced to commit suicide with no indication that he ever comes to faith in Christ.

The theology presented in the book is in keeping with scripture.  The one bit that is uncomfortable to me is that it is a set-up for the papacy being centered in Rome and Rome being viewed as the capital of the church, just as Rome was viewed as the capital of the secular world.

The author of Quo Vadis, Henryk Sienkiewicz, is a masterful writer.  His descriptions put the reader in the setting surrounded with input from all of one’s senses.  His dialog as Petronius debates and discusses is very thought provoking.  One ponders:  What is beauty? What is art? What is truth?  What is to be most valued in life?  Is there life beyond this one?  Is flattery ever warranted?  What does real love look like? Should one meekly accept one’s fate or fight it?  And a host of other questions.

This was a book worth reading, even considering the difficulty presented by my current blurred and double vision.

My Plans vs God's Plans

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.    Proverbs 16:9

 

I had planned to ride out the uncomfortable aftermath of Hurricane Ian in my apartment without water, power or air-conditioning.  My children did not agree with this plan and made some plans of their own to extract me.  I had no say in this.

Yesterday, my son called me concerned that I had felt “strong-armed.”  Well, yes…I was strong-armed, but that doesn’t mean that I was angry or resentful.  I have lived 77 years, and I have learned that we can and should make plans, but we need to realize that our plans may not always be realized.  I have learned that God uses circumstances and other people to alter our plans, and when that happens, we need to realize it may well be His way of directing us.

 

It was not my plan to marry a businessman.  I was figuring on a doctor, missionary or college professor.  But, I had nearly 54 wonderful years with a CEO who was a man of exceptional kindness and integrity.

I was not planning on a pregnancy in my forties.  We had three teenage daughters and thought we would soon have an “empty nest.”  But, I have an amazing son planned by God.

I had not planned to leave a church I had attended over 30 years.  The leaving was terribly painful, but I could write a book about the blessings that resulted from what appeared horrible at the time.

I had not planned to lose my husband May 16^th of this year.  I had planned we would continue to grow old together for at least another 10 years.  I can’t yet understand why this happened, and I don’t know what good will come of it, but God does.

I will continue to make plans, but I will continue to delight in God’s provision for me.  I may be disappointed when things don’t go my way.  I may be sad enough to cry every day, as has happened with the loss of my dear husband.  However, God’s plans are always better than mine.  I rest in His sovereignty.

 

Hurricane Ian Aftermath

I have been through blizzards, ice storms and a microburst, but this was my first major hurricane.  We had pretty much a direct hit of Ian’s category 4 force.   We were told that a storm surge covered the entire Island at Shell Point.  We could not see this from the shelter.

One of my first concerns was my car.  It is in a parking deck below our building.  My assigned spot is only a few feet from the Caloosahatchee River and only about 5 feet above the typical surface of the water.  It is clear that the garage was inundated with water as there is debris around all of the cars…and not just branches.  The garage is full of stones which washed in from around the plantings which are on the river side of the garage.  Gratefully, the car started.  It must be watertight, as there was no standing water in cup holders in the doors.  The interior seemed damp, but the kind of damp from humidity.  I opened the windows and left it running for about 15 minutes.  When the service garage here reopens, I will have it checked out.

After my first night back in my apartment ( without water or power), I went out for a walk around the Island.  There is debris everywhere.  There are two boats up in the mangroves to the north of the Island.  The osprey platforms are gone.  The orchid house is crushed.  Most of the gardens are washed away and the bins which are normally at the end of each garden are who-knows-where…just gone.  A boat lashed to its floating dock is up in a parking lot against a building.  Many places along the sidewalk, there are entire schools of small fish that were washed up and left behind when the water retreated. 

The palm trees are missing their tops, and some are snapped right off halfway up the trunk.  Many of the banyan trees are totally uprooted.  Most of the buildings are missing shingles…there are shingles littering the ground everywhere.  The siding on the mansard roof of the church is mostly missing.  Amazingly, most of the building have windows still intact.  My windows are fine, although one in Bill’s den/second bedroom must have leaked as the windowsill is dirty and looks like it was wet.

Shell Point is directly east of Sanibel Island.  We are on the right/north side of the road just before the causeway begins.  The media reports that 200 people did not evacuate Sanibel as directed.  Now the causeway is destroyed, so they are isolated.  Helicopters have been overhead going to and from Sanibel ever since the storm stopped.  There have been deaths and serious injuries and people just anxious to get off.

 

The above was written while I was still at Shell Point, but unable to post it because there was no internet available.  My kids were not happy with the notion of me being in a place with no power or water, so they arranged for me to leave.  The airport in Fort Myers is not yet open, so my son-in-law flew into Fort Lauderdale, rented a car and drove to Fort Myers to get me.  We then flew back to Jacksonville out of Fort Lauderdale.  The destruction was obvious even driving in the dark.  Debris had been pushed off the highway just as snow is plowed in the north.  My son-in-law said in daylight, he saw boats in the highway median as far as two miles from the coast.  We did not see any electricity, not even working traffic lights, for about 15 miles from Shell Point.  There were a few gas stations with lights, apparently from generators.

I am not sure how many units there are in our community of 2500 residents, but 200 of the units have been deemed unlivable.  I’m sure the administration is scrambling trying to figure out where these people are going to live.  Meantime, they are also sustaining those who have been able to return to their apartments by providing three meals a day.  Without power, no one has the ability to cook, and only non-refrigerated items can be kept safe for eating.  Sanitation is a big problem as there is limited water.  People on the first floor of my building do have some water, but there is not enough pressure for those on higher floors to get water.  It is, of course, not safe to drink…there is a boil-water advisory, but without power, no way to boil it.  We have all been drinking bottled water.

 

So…I am now safe with my daughter’s family in Fernandina Beach, but my heart is with my friends still in this terribly challenging situation.