Inside My Head

Sometimes when I lay awake at night, strange thoughts float around in my head, which in the light of day seem even stranger….or are they more profound?

Last night I was pondering the fact that none of us really knows anyone else.  We see the blob of organic material that represents another person visually.  We hear the person’s voice and think we have connected with the other in conversation.  But, if I am typical….which, of course, I may not be….we are full of thoughts and ideas which are never verbalized.  I do not know what other people think when they see me.  I do not know how they interpret what I say.  I do know there is a whole lot more that goes on inside of me than what I am able to express in words or by actions.  I don’t know if it is safe to assume that others are like me, since I can’t know what is inside their heads any more than they can know what is in mine.

During the course of a day, I write stories and create dialogue for them, but I never expect to publish the vast majority of what my brain generates.  I explore the possibility of various creative projects and discard many of these ideas as impractical.  I daydream about various goals I could set for myself and shrug off most as unattainable.  I talk to God with great frequency about the people and events that I encounter during the day.  I have varying degrees of success in my quest to turn my thoughts of people into prayers for them.  Sometimes I get sucked into internal gossip.  I let my thoughts wander into criticism of others and their conduct, instead of my more worthy goal of praying for them.  I agonize over how I can best help people I see struggling.  If I tried to help would it be viewed as meddling?  Or crippling them with too much assistance? Or would I outright offend them?

I have heard someone refer to what goes on in some people’s heads as “white noise.” I don’t begin to understand that.  It is very difficult for me to shift my brain into neutral.  I am thankful for the “down time” of sleep….which brings me back to the fact that all of the mental gymnastics here described were happening last night about 3:30 AM when I should have been sleeping.

I may be paraphrasing some here, but my son once said to me, “Sometimes I think about the fact that I am thinking.  Then when I think about the fact that I am thinking about thinking….well, that could drive a person crazy.”

So if I don’t know what you’re really thinking, and you don’t know what I’m thinking, how can we really know each other?  I guess we have to content ourselves with what we do know for now, and appreciate that at least God knows us…. even better than we know ourselves.

Otherwise it’s off to the loony bin.